How To Move from Self Sabotage Into Self Mastery

Why is it so challenging for people to make lasting changes, even when the stakes are sky-high?

One startling medical study revealed that even when heart doctors tell their seriously at-risk patients they could die without lifestyle changes, only 1 in 7 manage to transform their habits.

This study is proof that even a strong enough intention and sincere commitment to change often does not help.

The greatest gap in life is the one between knowing and doing. — Dick Biggs

The Struggle is Real: High-Performers are No Exception

You’d think high-performers—leaders, entrepreneurs, and coaches—would have it all figured out. I’ve seen it manifest over and over. Here are 3 different scenarios of clients (names changed) I have coached who fell trap to this.

The Executive Leader — Sarah, was a C-suite executive who knew she needed to communicate more empathetically with her team to build trust. Yet, she fell back to a command-and-control style during high-pressure situations.
The Time-Strapped Entrepreneur —Darren, an entrepreneur who wants to manage his time better. He even scheduled everything on his calendar but still doesn’t actually get down to completing it.
The Aspiring Coach — Emily, a coach who has a vision for a dream project but consistently finds a new reason why it should be pushed or postponed.

In all 3 cases, the intent is high, the why is clear, yet the change seems to elude them.

The problem here lies in the gap between:

What we genuinely WANT vs What we DO to make it real.

As a coach, I’ve spent countless hours trying to understand this more deeply.

And I’ve realized that:

If there is something we consistently want but never get done
And we feel strong resistance and discomfort every time we try to get it done

Then, we are most likely self-sabotaging.

Unmasking The Enemy Within: Understanding Self-Sabotage.

Self-sabotage is NOT self-harm or being self-critical

Self-sabotage is simply the presence of a hidden sub-conscious commitment – an unconscious need that is competing for our energy and focus.

Without acknowledging this commitment and moving it from our unconscious into our conscious focus, we will only be treating the symptoms but not the real root cause of any problem.

In order to understand the root cause, we need to understand the hidden competing commitments that are actually stopping someone from achieving something they really want.

When we usually don’t do something we really want, we attribute it to procrastination or laziness. Or lack of clarity. Or a host of other reasons.

But as a coach, I know I have to scratch beyond the surface and dig deeper.

We often self-sabotage something we really want because we have a negative association between achieving the goal and being the kind of person who does.

Here are two simple examples:

Example 1: The Weight-Regain Conundrum:

Have you ever coached a client brimming with enthusiasm about losing 10 kilograms? They find a diet that promises the moon and the stars. Initially, the pounds start dropping; it’s like witnessing a small miracle. But then, shortly after reaching their goal, they gain back all the lost weight, and sometimes even more.

The Competing Commitment: Gaining back the weight isn't just a hiccup; it's a glaring symptom. What lies beneath is a competing commitment, perhaps a fear of attention or an unconscious belief that they don't deserve to be healthy. Until we anchor into that deeper issue, no diet in the world will provide a lasting solution.

Example 2: The Financial Instability Loop

Let’s talk about Anna, a budding entrepreneur you may have encountered, who aspires for financial stability. She earns a decent income but ends up spending it faster than she can save. Luxurious vacations, high-end gadgets, you name it, she’s splurging on it.

The Competing Commitment: Again, this isn't just about poor budgeting skills or lack of financial acumen. There's a deeper, hidden commitment that's pulling the strings. Perhaps Anna associates financial stability with a loss of freedom or spontaneity in life.

Hidden somewhere in both these scenarios is an ASSUMPTION or a BELIEF that is sub consciously protecting them from taking conscious action towards their goal.

Which is why as a coach if you only “coach the problem” without coaching the “person having the problem” you are missing out!

Harvard professors Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey coined this phenomenon as “Immunity to Change,” a subconscious mechanism designed to “protect us,” sometimes to our own detriment.

Here is a simple 4 step inquiry process that helps you draw out a person’s competing commitment.

1. Clearly Define The Goal

Ask your client to clearly define what their Change or Improvement goal is.

It is very important to ensure that the goal is clearly defined and there is a strong commitment to make changes.

Coaching Question: What would you like to see changed at life or at work that would make you more effective or more fulfilled?

Why is this goal important for you and for the people you care about?

2. Identify Counterproductive Behaviors

What do they do or not do that stands in the way of their goal?

In other words, looking at his behavior, what does he do that is counterproductive or hinders the goal, or conversely what does he NOT do that if he did, would support the goal?

Coaching Question: What are YOU doing / not doing right now that gets in the way of you achieving your goal?

3. Visualize Doing The Opposite

Now, ask your client to imagine doing the opposite of what he says he does, or does not do. Does he feel any discomfort, fear or anxiety?

The intention here is to find out what the individual is protecting himself against.

For example, if he tends to bully his way into a conversation when his goal is to create a trusting relationship, how would it feel to take a step back and just listen? Is there discomfort in that? What emotions come up? What does he fear? What would be lost of his identity if he adopted this new behavior?

Coaching Question: Imagine yourself doing the opposite of the harmful behavior. Do you feel any discomfort, worry or vague fear? Why do you think that exists?

By continuing to do the harmful behavior or habit, what are you trying to protect yourself against?

4. Spot the Hidden Belief

Identify the core ASSUMPTION or BELIEF that’s driving their behavior.

Have them write this down clearly so it becomes a clear insight.

Coaching Question: What do you believe or assume to be true?

What are you learning about your hidden beliefs and assumptions through this exercise?

Once the hidden belief or assumption is uncovered, coach your client to check if it’s really true, if assuming it to be true is empowering them or disempowering them and how they could show up if they chose a more empowering belief that actually serves them.

3 Different Scenarios of Competing Commitments in Action

Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life, and you will call it fate. — Carl Jung

As coaches, we must go beyond coaching “the problem” and focus on coaching the “person with the problem.” Only then can we help our clients create breakthroughs and play a bigger, more impactful game in life.

By addressing these underlying beliefs and hidden commitments, we can guide our clients toward massive changes that don’t just stick for a moment, but for a lifetime.

What distinction resonates most with you in your coaching journey? Share your thoughts and let’s learn together.

Why is it so challenging for people to make lasting changes, even when the stakes are sky-high?

The Struggle is Real: High-Performers are No Exception